(as dictated from the countertop where my seeds still smolder)
The Kitchen Chronicles: Jalapeño #3
©ESR 2025

Prelude 1: Of Fried Eggs and Yoga Pants
Prelude 2: The Trash Bag Operative
Part 1: The Day the Kitchen Stood Still
Part 2: The Witness Debriefing

I was born on a Tuesday.

Not that it matters…

spice doesn’t care for calendars.

But I remember the soil was warm,

the sun, relentless,

and the whispers of my ancestors were already in my stem.

They said,

“Some of us become salsa.

Some, stuffed and broiled.

A rare few… pickled with pride.

But you, little pepper,

you are meant for something…

legendary.”

They weren’t wrong.

They just didn’t warn me about the woman.

Oh, the woman.

She came like a storm with lips stained in regret

and a bottle clutched like a confession.

I saw her eyes scan the fridge like a shark in shallow water.

I knew the cucumber was the intended martyr.

He was smooth.

Charismatic.

The kind of produce that never missed leg day.

But Fate? She’s got a twisted sense of humor.

The woman grabbed me.

And I—foolishly, valiantly—did not protest.

I was a jalapeño, damn it.

I had honor.

I had capsaicin.

I was ready to burn for something.

Oh, and I did.

The moment I made contact,

the world exploded.

Her screams rivaled kettles.

The cat booked it.

The walls recoiled.

It was the most intimate,

most fiery,

most deeply regrettable moment of both our lives.

And when she dropped me,

half-used, whole-shamed,

on the cutting board,

I knew…

I had made history.

⸻

To this day,

I lay here as a cautionary tale.

A hero.

A warning.

A spicy saint of misidentification.

They may call me a mistake.

But I say…

“I was a moment.

A lesson.

A damn flavor bomb in a world of bland decisions.”

So if you remember me,

remember me not as the pepper that hurt her.

But as the jalapeño

who said yes to destiny

and left a burn they’d never forget.

⸻

Coming soon to bookstores near you:

“Blistered But Brave: My Life in 3 Scoville Shards and One Really Bad Decision.”

Audiobook narrated by:

Antonio Banderas.

(Because obviously.)